The Not "Quite" Skinny Enough, Pretty Enough, Talented Enough Actress.

A Year In Review!

As the New Year is approaching, I've been reflecting a lot on 2011. In this moment, I feel way behind on all my goals and dreams...but if I go through my year bit by bit in my mind I'm realizing I've accomplished quite a lot. 

New Years Eve a year ago was spent with my dear friend Sheryl at a family friends party on Long Island. We were both unemployed, I was flat broke, living at home with my family, in a horrible school situation, and just plain miserable. One of my first accomplishments in the new year was to get a job at the Olive Garden. That turned into a nightmare for me...possibly being one of the worst jobs I have ever had in my life. The heavy dishware full of pasta and soup were just not meant to be carried by a girl with a proclivity for arthritis. The customers tended to be the cheapest of the cheap and the most unhealthy people (mind and body) I have ever had to deal with in my entire life! But the job did enable me to pay a portion of my bills. I also had to suffer through the last semester of school. School SUCKED. But I graduated. And in order to graduate I had to co direct a play. Something that I did not enjoy, but I'm glad I did. I started dating Gary in February and he has opened up so many opportunities to me. He welcomed me into his home. Upon graduation I was given the luxury of living in the heart of Manhattan. I have been able to easily get to auditions. When I first graduated I was financially screwed! But I started booking so much background work, and I got a job I love for a theatrical promotion company. During the week I am in the film and television world, and on weekends I am surrounded by Broadway and the Theater! I have been making a great living, I was able to afford Christmas gifts for my family this year...plus lots of STUFF for myself. I was also able to pay off a large chunk of 1 of my student loans and my car payments. Earlier in the year my sacroilitis was acting up...but since I have added certain supplements to my diet I've been feeling stronger and healthier than ever before. So, I need to stop feeling behind and not good enough and just continue to plug away at my goals.

I have a few small goals that there is no question MUST be accomplished next year. They are: Obtain Medical Insurance through work in the Industry. I am so close to qualifying for insurance through AFTRA, one of my unions. In 2012 I must dump my current overpriced insurance and switch over. Another goal is to lose a solid 10 pounds. I love working out and going to the gym...but I also love eating. My habits have improved and some weight has come off...but not enough. I need to pay off my high interest student loan. I also want to take a few acting/musical theater/dance classes. Unfortunately, due to my schedule it is impossible for me to study somewhere on a regular basis...but at some point this year I need to at least take a 1 day workshop. Later this year I'd also like to get a commercial agent and start auditioning. And lastly, I'd like to be able to do a forearm stand center floor in Yoga. I have the strength, I have the flexibility, and I can do it against the wall! I need a teacher to work with me so I feel confident enough to do it without help.

I also have a few goals that seem more far fetched to me...but I must still work for. One of them is to book a performance job on a cruise ship. I don't care if it involves wearing a Mickey Mouse costume for Disney. I want to be someplace that allows me to save money, pay my bills, and have fun! I also went on my first cruise this year and LOVED being on the water. A cruise ship job would be a dream job. 

I believe 2012 is going to be fabulous. I'm going to make it fabulous. I hope everyone else has a Happy New Year and achieves their dreams too!

YAY RUDY!

If you haven't seen the movie RUDY, and you enjoy being inspired...get thee to thy netflix and put it on the queue ASAP! Rudy is the true story about Daniel Ruettiger who against all odds and all the negativity that he experienced in his childhood, achieved his dream of playing football at Notre Dame. I rewatched Rudy the other night with my boyfriend, Gary, and was freshly inspired! I'm on a kick of watching motivational/spiritual youtube videos in the morning to help me start my day right and this morning I did a youtube search for Daniel Ruettiger. I found the video below...set up my ipad in the bathroom (and then the kitchen,) cleaned, and listened to what he had to say. He is a powerful speaker and more than ever I feel confident that I will succeed. It might not be immediately, and it might not happen the way I imagined, but as long as I don't give up my dreams I know I will be a success! Watch the movie, and then watch this video! If you're an actor, I strongly recommend putting this video on while you are doing tedious mailings, or the annoying stapling of headshots and resumes! It will make you staple with gusto I promise!   

My very first video blog!!!!

Hey Everyone!!!!

Sorry it's been awhile but I've been working like a crazy girl! Please watch my very first video blog and see how much I love my new juicer!

 

 

A little Inspiration...Will Smith Style!

I know I know...long time, no blogging! I've been mentally all over the place these past few weeks. I haven't been as focused as I should be on working on my craft. OK, I haven't been very focused at all. What I really wanted to do was use from now til Christmas to make money. I've been slightly successful at that, but things, obstacles if you will, get in the way! I only ended up working 1 day of BG work this week because a certain company that shall remain nameless put me on hold for a commercial and then did not call me to tell me I didn't get it so I had to turn down a ton of other work offered to me while I was waiting to hear from them. I need to add that this was the 2nd day of work this month that I had missed because of this company! The first day was because the casting director had mixed up the date. Anyway, that CD is going to have crappy karma, so it's all good. The thing that bothers me is that I'm not making much money AND I'm not working on my craft! I'm so stressed about that, that I'm basically just sitting around the apartment and not visiting with friends with this free time I have. I've got a long list of people I need to spend some time with! I feel like I'm in a bubble with my boyfriend. I love my boyfriend, but I love my friends too! 

I've seen this video on youtube before. I'm not much of a Will Smith fan. I like some of his movies and I think he does what he does well...but he's very inspiring in interviews I must say. He's definitely an example of a strong individual who does not let anything get in his way! I decided to rewatch this video this morning and I'm glad I did! I'm feeling motivated again! I texted my boss from my Times Square job, picked up a shift, practiced my voice lesson, made a big healthy breakfast, and now...blogging! Check it out if you're feeling a little down:

 

 

I am here but I'm supposed to be THERE!

I feel like I've been run over by a tractor trailor, 2 trains, and a Porsche. Yesterday I had a 6am calltime for background work in Montauk Point. Despite my best efforts I only got about 3 hours of sleep. I took the job in Montauk because I thought the extra driving time would allow for me to work on my singing voice, go over exercises, and learn new songs (by repetition.) But I couldn't even move a muscle driving there or back for fear of falling a sleep at the wheel. I just slept 11 hours and I have another job today in the city that I must start preparing for in a bit. I still have big dreams of being a Broadway singer...but my voice is not nearly strong enough and I am not nearly brave enough to make that dream a reality right now. I keep having fantasies of having the opportunity to do nothing but sing/dance/and act for 6 months straight and coming out the person I know exists inside somewhere. She just needs a chance to study! Really study without interruption! With people that believe in her! That was what $40,000 worth of college was supposed to be...and did not happen for me. Being in this debt has pulled me further away from my dreams as I feel that I am nothing but a mean lean background working machine. I haven't even been able to get it together to take 1 On Camera Acting Workshop. I have a new idea for a REALITY TV show. It should be called "I'm Running Out Of Time." It can be a little bit like the MTV show "Made" but instead of teenagers, take 30+ adults that are pursuing careers in the arts that have a trillion distractions elsewhere, and pay for them to go through a boot camp in their field that allows for them to just focus on THEM. Get them the teachers/support they need to make their dreams come true, and see what happens. I bet it would be the most highly rated TV show ever because unless you're Sutton Foster or Natalie Portman....I'm sure you can relate! 

Mental Health Day!

Today is an official mental health day for Laurie! I have literally not had a day off since last Tuesday! That's 10 days of working in a row! Including a few 14+ hour days!!! Yes! Laurie deserves this day off! Of course, it's not really a day off! There are errands to run! My passport must be renewed, my roots must be highlighted, and most importantly, my checks must be deposited! This weekend I am working at my theater promotions job and I hope to book background work Monday-Thursday because next Friday...I'm GOING AWAY! My cousin is getting married and my boyfriend and I are taking 2 whole days off to go up to the wedding! I am so pleased to be peacing out of NYC...even if it's just for 2 days! I just hope I book the work that I need to book so I can leave without feeling financially stressed out.

Birthday Blue's

I have the birthday blue's. Yesterday was my birthday and while I spent it doing what I wanted to do (working on set making money) and recieved some very generous gifts from friends and family, and of course, my boyfriend (who went above and beyond the gift giving requirenments)...I feel depressed. I didn't book any work for today and I opted out of going to an open call for 9-5 because I believe the character I am best suited for is Doralee, but after seeing Megan Hilty perform a bunch of times on set yesterday...I feel unworthy of even attempting to portray any character she ever played! Now that I'm 32, I should be feeling better about my talent. Instead, I feel the worst I've ever felt in my life. My last year of college was a complete joke. I barely practiced my craft. In addition, I paid out thousands of dollars that, had I not gone back to college, I would have been able to use for dance/singing/acting classes...or surviving, so I wouldn't have to work this hard at stupid, unreliable, unpredictable, depressing background work! Of course, I'm still grateful I do that over waiting tables or work an office job. I just wish I knew in advance my work schedule! I have no social life. I feel important friendships slipping away. I never get enough sleep. I feel like shit! I had the last bite of my organic Wholefoods birthday cake for breakfast. Time to cleanse now. I am taking the day off! Going to get back on track with everything! I'm thinking of possibly even whipping my juicer out of storage and going on a partial juice fast. Yesterday, when I was at my lowest, my boyfriend looked me in the eye and said: "Maybe you should just quit if you feel this bad." I may feel awful about myself...but what if I did quit? What if I gave up a life trying to persue the arts and took an office job, teaching job, retail job....? What then? I can't even imagine not doing this so I'm hopping back on the treadmill of pursuit right now!

Argument!

I got into a small argument with a wardrobe guy on set yesterday. 90% of the time, movie set crew workers are tired and bitter because they have been working obscene hours many days in a row. I get it. They are exhausted and cranky! But I wish they wouldn't take out their bitterness on us lowly background actors because more often than not, we are working on less sleep than them. Yesterday I was about to make a cross with another background actor. As we were getting ready to move, the wardrobe man held my cohort back and told him he couldn't wear his jacket. I didn't hear exactly what he was saying and thought he was talking to me so I was all: "huh?" During this exchange, we had missed our cue to cross. The PA came over and asked me why I hadn't crossed. I explained that the wardrobe guy had started talking to us and we were distracted. The wardrobe man immediately started yelling at me: "Don't you DARE put this on me! I wasn't even talking to you! You were the one who wasn't paying attention! That's not my problem." I responded: "I'm not trying to get you in trouble, I was just distracted by you." He kept saying: "No, you just don't listen! I wasn't talking to you!" Finally I just mumbled "sorry." But I'm not sorry! What do you people thing! I just stood around for kicks? And if the wardrobe guy had told the PA "I was trying to stop them before they crossed in long sleeves." The PA would have understood! So the moral of the story is DO NOT YELL AT THE BACKGROUND ACTOR!

Lack of Inspiration.

I haven't felt like blogging much this past week. I don't even feel like blogging right now. My brain has been feeling fuzzy and mushy lately. It's the lack of sleep. I love doing background work because I feel like I'm cheating life by getting paid good money to do nothing...but it is very hard to work sleep into the background acting schedule. For example: The other night I was exhausted and on set for a new Alicia Silverstone/Sharon Stone movie "The Gods Behaving Badly." I got a call for a new TV show "Unforgettable." I was told to callback at 10 to get my information for my morning call. At 10 they said to callback at 10:30, at 10:30 they said 11. It went on and on until I got my calltime information at 1am telling me to be on set in Long Island City at 9:30am (an hour and a half away from me in rush hour traffic.) I'm not one of those people that can function and have a great productive day without sleep...but I need to continue to make this kind of money. That way, on my days off, like today, I can get mani/pedi's and go to Starbucks and blog about not feeling like blogging.

My old Jonathon Larson Blog!

I have another old blog from MYSPACE that I wanted to repost. I wrote it at a time when I let depression get the best of me and used to sit around and eat rather then go to the gym and maintain a healthy lifestyle. I would make up excuses not to practice voice and sit in front of the TV for hours. Somewhere along my path I developed some discipline...but here is a blog written from when I relied solely on others to inspire me...and inspire me they did.

 

June 30, 2006

Why Can't I Be More Like Jonathan Larson?

Current mood:anxious

Did anyone see the movie RENT? Yes, I know, not a great movie but of course I had to go out and buy it (dont worry, previously viewed.) After owning the thing for 3 months I decided to pop in the "special features" section a few days ago. Included on the 2^nd disk is a feature-length documentary called "No Day But Today." I turned it on thinking it was going to be a short half-hour documentary about the making of the crappy movie, but instead found myself glued to a 2 hour movie about the life of Jonathan Larson.

If you dont know this already, I am a musical theater fanatic. I have been lucky enough to see RENT on Broadway with the original cast, and twice more after that with replacements. The show has grown on me. I didnt enjoy it so much the first time I saw it. Jill, if you are reading this, Im sorry. Jill Keyishian took me when I was sixteen years old and we sat front row mezzanine. I think this show is way to advanced for a spoiled little white girl from Long Island, NY to really comprehend. However, after seeing the show, I purchased the CD and started playing it religiously. As I grew up, saw the show twice more, went to college in Philadelphia, lived in the East Village right near Ave. A, and moved to Los Angeles, the lyrics and music really started making more sense to me and their true genius smacked me right in the face and continue to do so constantly. I mean seriously:

"Dont breath too deep

Dont think all day

Dive into work

Drive the other way

That drip of hurt

That pint of shame

Goes away

Just play the game."

How often at how many crappy day jobs do I have to run this through my head just to get through the day?

Or whenever Im feeling that I really fucked up, or crappy about what Ive done with my life I remember:

"No other road

No other way

No day but today."

Yeah, I really like RENT.

But I never knew the real story behind the musical. I hardly knew anything about Jonathan Larson until I saw this documentary. To say that Im in utter awe of him is an understatement.

Jonathan Larson went to Adelphi college on Long Island (20 minutes from my NY home) for acting. When finished he decided to move to NY and write music. He lived in a crappy apartment with a bathtub in the kitchen in the Village and wrote music using a CASIO keyboard! He worked at a diner Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, and spent the rest of his week sitting in his shitty apartment with his cat writing music! Before RENT hed written 2 unsuccessful musicals, SUPERBIA and TICK TICK BOOM. Stephen Sondheim was his role model and he used to send Sondheim copies of his new music for approval or advice. RENT took 3 years for him to write. Then finally, after the final dress of the show off broadway, he drops dead at age 36 from some rare muscle tissue disease that he supposedly suffered from his entire life! The cast finds out opening night and they go on with the show anyway! Its a smash success, moves to Broadway and ends up winning Tonys and the Pulitzer.

What impressed me about the life of Jonathan Larson, was his commitment to his art. From the time you graduate college until age 36 is a long time. To stay in the same place, living in poverty, without even proper equipment (I own a Casio keyboard and its a piece O'shit) is something that I cannot even comprehend. He never even got to partake in the success that he achieved! He died! Immediately after watching it, I felt inspired! But, Im finding it nearly impossible to stay alone in my dark, hot apartment and practice my art. I should be memorizing monologues, or working on my voice. Hey, I used to play the piano, I should re-teach myself! I should write, dance, read books about acting, watch old movies, watch musicals, stretch.and do whatever else concerns theater. But the moment I find myself with free time on my hands I make up mental excuses. "Oh, the apartment is messy, I cant focus until I clean it!" "Im hungry, let me make food just before I do anything else." "Let me just watch this one more stupid mindless celebrity driven show on the E! channel!" And after coming up with all these excusesI find that Ive wasted ANOTHER day! Why dont I want to practice my craft? I do LOVE doing it! Or am I practicing it right now by writing this blog? Maybe Jonathan Larson saw a light at the end of the tunnel that Im having trouble visualizing right now. Either way, every artist should watch this documentary. Whether you like musical theater or not!