The Not "Quite" Skinny Enough, Pretty Enough, Talented Enough Actress.

My very first video blog!!!!

Hey Everyone!!!!

Sorry it's been awhile but I've been working like a crazy girl! Please watch my very first video blog and see how much I love my new juicer!

 

 

I am here but I'm supposed to be THERE!

I feel like I've been run over by a tractor trailor, 2 trains, and a Porsche. Yesterday I had a 6am calltime for background work in Montauk Point. Despite my best efforts I only got about 3 hours of sleep. I took the job in Montauk because I thought the extra driving time would allow for me to work on my singing voice, go over exercises, and learn new songs (by repetition.) But I couldn't even move a muscle driving there or back for fear of falling a sleep at the wheel. I just slept 11 hours and I have another job today in the city that I must start preparing for in a bit. I still have big dreams of being a Broadway singer...but my voice is not nearly strong enough and I am not nearly brave enough to make that dream a reality right now. I keep having fantasies of having the opportunity to do nothing but sing/dance/and act for 6 months straight and coming out the person I know exists inside somewhere. She just needs a chance to study! Really study without interruption! With people that believe in her! That was what $40,000 worth of college was supposed to be...and did not happen for me. Being in this debt has pulled me further away from my dreams as I feel that I am nothing but a mean lean background working machine. I haven't even been able to get it together to take 1 On Camera Acting Workshop. I have a new idea for a REALITY TV show. It should be called "I'm Running Out Of Time." It can be a little bit like the MTV show "Made" but instead of teenagers, take 30+ adults that are pursuing careers in the arts that have a trillion distractions elsewhere, and pay for them to go through a boot camp in their field that allows for them to just focus on THEM. Get them the teachers/support they need to make their dreams come true, and see what happens. I bet it would be the most highly rated TV show ever because unless you're Sutton Foster or Natalie Portman....I'm sure you can relate! 

Birthday Blue's

I have the birthday blue's. Yesterday was my birthday and while I spent it doing what I wanted to do (working on set making money) and recieved some very generous gifts from friends and family, and of course, my boyfriend (who went above and beyond the gift giving requirenments)...I feel depressed. I didn't book any work for today and I opted out of going to an open call for 9-5 because I believe the character I am best suited for is Doralee, but after seeing Megan Hilty perform a bunch of times on set yesterday...I feel unworthy of even attempting to portray any character she ever played! Now that I'm 32, I should be feeling better about my talent. Instead, I feel the worst I've ever felt in my life. My last year of college was a complete joke. I barely practiced my craft. In addition, I paid out thousands of dollars that, had I not gone back to college, I would have been able to use for dance/singing/acting classes...or surviving, so I wouldn't have to work this hard at stupid, unreliable, unpredictable, depressing background work! Of course, I'm still grateful I do that over waiting tables or work an office job. I just wish I knew in advance my work schedule! I have no social life. I feel important friendships slipping away. I never get enough sleep. I feel like shit! I had the last bite of my organic Wholefoods birthday cake for breakfast. Time to cleanse now. I am taking the day off! Going to get back on track with everything! I'm thinking of possibly even whipping my juicer out of storage and going on a partial juice fast. Yesterday, when I was at my lowest, my boyfriend looked me in the eye and said: "Maybe you should just quit if you feel this bad." I may feel awful about myself...but what if I did quit? What if I gave up a life trying to persue the arts and took an office job, teaching job, retail job....? What then? I can't even imagine not doing this so I'm hopping back on the treadmill of pursuit right now!

August 31, 2006 1:07AM

Another reposted old blog from my MYSPACE account! Sorry I'm terribly unoriginal but I work to hard to be creative! Anyway, I wrote this the day I got my first tour: MY LITTLE PONY LIVE. I was so happy and excited. I hope to reclaim that same feeling one day soon.

 

My whole life is about to change, that's all........

Current mood:excited

There is a god. And he listens.

Just when I thought the sight of the Hollywood sign would make me want to puke up the soy ice cream I had for dessert.......a miracle happens.

Bye all, Im going on a national tour!.....of MY LITTLE PONY! Random, YES! Big deal, NO! Its just the answer to ALL MY PRAYERS as of late!

Im being hired as a DANCER! That is my title! Dancer!..on an 11 month tour. This is the same company that does Sesame Street Live. I auditioned for them 3 years ago, had 5 callbacks, but nothing ever materialized. 3 months ago I drove my ass down to Long Beach to audition again. This time we were in the theater on the stage of the performing arts center! I suck at auditioning, but being on an actual stage in a huge theater, helps, ironically. One would think that would make me more nervous. I guess I feel more comfortable on a stage then staring at my large ass in a mirror at a crowded rehearsal hall.

I left my audition feeling great. 3 months ago! Then I didnt hear anything! Finally, I let it go! Gave up on the dream..And I got the phone call today!

I leave September 29^th! Im overwhelmed with the amount of things I need to accomplish between now and then, but Im happy that the next year will be completely different! I love change, but fear it at the same time. Im afraid of how much I will miss my friends. Im afraid I might not return to LA. And most importantly, Im annoyed at myself for thinking that far into the future! I spent the past few months being depressed and scared, because I didnt know what the future would hold. Now that Im going on tour, and I am getting basically everything Ive asked of God, I realize what energy I wasted being depressed!

Right now I am 1 happy lady! I want to see EVERYONE before I leave! Well, everyone that wants to see me! So please, give me a call! Help me pack! Whatever!

 

Dear Disney

Dearest Disney,

Between applying to work at your store when I was a younger highschool student, and auditioning for your theme parks, cruise lines, and stage shows...I have been rejected by you hundreds of times. Once, two years ago, I was not rejected and made all the cuts to be a chracter on your cruise line...but nothing ever came of that and since then I continue to fall short of being considered for hiring by your company. Yesterday, I had what I believed to be a very good audition for your Tokyo park. I smiled, did the combination right...and nothing! In fact, you called back some girls that, in my opinion, were less than perfect. I know "a look" is a big part of your casting process. I have been told by numerous veteran Disney employee's that I have the look of a Disney Princess and the fact that I made all the cuts for the cruise line just proves that I fit into your image somewhere. So my question to you Disney is...how do I get a job for your company? Why, did I not get a callback yesterday? What did I do wrong? Please tell me so I can fix the problem, work for you, have medical insurance, and pay off my student loans.

Sincerely,

Me

My old Jonathon Larson Blog!

I have another old blog from MYSPACE that I wanted to repost. I wrote it at a time when I let depression get the best of me and used to sit around and eat rather then go to the gym and maintain a healthy lifestyle. I would make up excuses not to practice voice and sit in front of the TV for hours. Somewhere along my path I developed some discipline...but here is a blog written from when I relied solely on others to inspire me...and inspire me they did.

 

June 30, 2006

Why Can't I Be More Like Jonathan Larson?

Current mood:anxious

Did anyone see the movie RENT? Yes, I know, not a great movie but of course I had to go out and buy it (dont worry, previously viewed.) After owning the thing for 3 months I decided to pop in the "special features" section a few days ago. Included on the 2^nd disk is a feature-length documentary called "No Day But Today." I turned it on thinking it was going to be a short half-hour documentary about the making of the crappy movie, but instead found myself glued to a 2 hour movie about the life of Jonathan Larson.

If you dont know this already, I am a musical theater fanatic. I have been lucky enough to see RENT on Broadway with the original cast, and twice more after that with replacements. The show has grown on me. I didnt enjoy it so much the first time I saw it. Jill, if you are reading this, Im sorry. Jill Keyishian took me when I was sixteen years old and we sat front row mezzanine. I think this show is way to advanced for a spoiled little white girl from Long Island, NY to really comprehend. However, after seeing the show, I purchased the CD and started playing it religiously. As I grew up, saw the show twice more, went to college in Philadelphia, lived in the East Village right near Ave. A, and moved to Los Angeles, the lyrics and music really started making more sense to me and their true genius smacked me right in the face and continue to do so constantly. I mean seriously:

"Dont breath too deep

Dont think all day

Dive into work

Drive the other way

That drip of hurt

That pint of shame

Goes away

Just play the game."

How often at how many crappy day jobs do I have to run this through my head just to get through the day?

Or whenever Im feeling that I really fucked up, or crappy about what Ive done with my life I remember:

"No other road

No other way

No day but today."

Yeah, I really like RENT.

But I never knew the real story behind the musical. I hardly knew anything about Jonathan Larson until I saw this documentary. To say that Im in utter awe of him is an understatement.

Jonathan Larson went to Adelphi college on Long Island (20 minutes from my NY home) for acting. When finished he decided to move to NY and write music. He lived in a crappy apartment with a bathtub in the kitchen in the Village and wrote music using a CASIO keyboard! He worked at a diner Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, and spent the rest of his week sitting in his shitty apartment with his cat writing music! Before RENT hed written 2 unsuccessful musicals, SUPERBIA and TICK TICK BOOM. Stephen Sondheim was his role model and he used to send Sondheim copies of his new music for approval or advice. RENT took 3 years for him to write. Then finally, after the final dress of the show off broadway, he drops dead at age 36 from some rare muscle tissue disease that he supposedly suffered from his entire life! The cast finds out opening night and they go on with the show anyway! Its a smash success, moves to Broadway and ends up winning Tonys and the Pulitzer.

What impressed me about the life of Jonathan Larson, was his commitment to his art. From the time you graduate college until age 36 is a long time. To stay in the same place, living in poverty, without even proper equipment (I own a Casio keyboard and its a piece O'shit) is something that I cannot even comprehend. He never even got to partake in the success that he achieved! He died! Immediately after watching it, I felt inspired! But, Im finding it nearly impossible to stay alone in my dark, hot apartment and practice my art. I should be memorizing monologues, or working on my voice. Hey, I used to play the piano, I should re-teach myself! I should write, dance, read books about acting, watch old movies, watch musicals, stretch.and do whatever else concerns theater. But the moment I find myself with free time on my hands I make up mental excuses. "Oh, the apartment is messy, I cant focus until I clean it!" "Im hungry, let me make food just before I do anything else." "Let me just watch this one more stupid mindless celebrity driven show on the E! channel!" And after coming up with all these excusesI find that Ive wasted ANOTHER day! Why dont I want to practice my craft? I do LOVE doing it! Or am I practicing it right now by writing this blog? Maybe Jonathan Larson saw a light at the end of the tunnel that Im having trouble visualizing right now. Either way, every artist should watch this documentary. Whether you like musical theater or not!

 

Assitis!

Well, my assitis is back! It took over sometime during last night and now I'm too sore to go to my morning yoga class!!! YUCK! 

What is assitis you ask? Sorry, it has a real name: Sacroiilitis. It consists of inflammation in the sacroiliatic joint (the ass.) I've had it for years and it hasn't bothered me recently...until now. I have drugs! But I'm running low! Looks like i'm going to have to make a whole doctors appointment, take a day off from work, and pay $35 copay just to go to the doctor and have him write me a simple prescription.

Five Wishes

About a year ago I read a book entitled Five Wishes written by: Guy Hendricks. The author asks you:  "If you were lying on your death bed would you consider your life a success? If not, what would have made your life a success?" The answer to that question turns into your top five wishes. There is a whole little work study page section in the book to help you come up with honest, truthful, powerful answers. When I originally read the book it was right before my last semester of college and I had no time to put serious thought into coming up with my answers and my action steps to achieve my goals. Today, I had the day off and I was finally able to sit down at Starbucks, reread the book, and fill out my wishes open and honestly. 

The authors first wish was: "To have a long and happy marriage with a woman I adore and who adores me." His other wishes are equally as deep. After much reflection I have realized I am a much more superficial human being and my wishes are a bit more selfish . You are supposed to list your wishes in order of importance and my #1 wish/goal written as if it's happening now is:

1.) My life is a total success because I'm a brilliant, strong, versatile, powerful, performer.

The difference between myself and the author is that he wasn't following his dreams at all until he wrote them down. I've been working on my goals for as long as I can remember. Hopefully, writing it down with clear action steps will help bring me closer to achieving them.

For more information on the book you can check out the website:

 http://www.5wishesbook.com/wishes/index.php

Also, as always, I would love advice on what I can write down as "action steps" to achieve my life goal that I am not already taking.

Busy Week!

Hello All!

I have not been able to blog in the past week because I have been very BUSY! I love being busy...but I'm exhausted and putting off a much needed visit to the gym by sitting in COSI, eating breakfast, and taking my sweet time to wake up before I attack my 50th Street Equinox! I've been commuting between New York City and Long Island. A lot of times when I get background work, I am hired with my car. I cannot keep my car in the city as it would most likely lead to me dying an early death from stress and worry. I keep it at my parents house way out on LI. Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday of this week was a promised featured 3 days of work on the CBS television show Blue Bloods. Featured is not really what I ended up being...but my car OWNS that episode! I've now named my car Patti Lupone Jr. (because she is a Diva just like Patti) and she can be seen throughout Episode 2 on this season of BB. Even though I was not featured I did get 2-13 hour days of work and 1-10 hour day! Not to mention the commute to and from Long Island City in rush hour traffic. I auditioned for My Fair Lady at Westchester Broadway yesterday. I sang 8 bars and I felt fairly good about it...but no callback to dance. (My Fair Lady audition people....if you by any chance read this blog, feel free to respond anonymously as I would loooooove to know why I wasn't called back...as a learning experience. Did I chose the wrong song? Did I smell? Was I rude? Did I look like crap? Was it my resume? Or did I just plain suck? Either way...I really need to know so I can stop obsessing and fix the problem.) Today I am working at my Times Square job...but hopefully working out first! And tomorrow is a wedding! Hopefully I will be able to blog again in the next few days. Cosi is getting busy and my workout time is getting small so I am signing off for now!

LATER!

Dr. Scholls is a Whore!

I would like to take a brief moment to put a curse on Dr. Scholls! He is expensive and full of LIES! I've been wearing heals at my Broadway promo job. Naturally I invested in some Dr. Scholls inserts my first day at work. First I bought the full length ones. While those helped my heels, the pads of my poor little feet were killing me by the end of the day. So, I went back to the drugstore and bought a pair of Dr. Scholls foot pettles for ladies. That worked ok on my foot pads but my heels killed after just 1 hour on the street! So I went back to the drug store and bought $10 heel pads. I put the heel pads in the shoes and the foot pettles in. The heel pads slip down to my arch and now that I've worn the foot pettles more than once they have become unsticky and move around the bottom part of my shoe! I'm so over this! Dr. Scholls owes me $50!!!! That money thieving WHORE!